5 Famous American Icons… You Didn’t Know Were Unpatriotic Bastards

Helen Keller… Was a Radical Socialist

For generations, students around the world were told the brave story of Helen Kelller, a blind, deaf girl that learned to read, write and speak. Today, most Americans know Helen Keller as the inspiration to that annoying song.

I said shush girl...

While Keller’s struggle to communicate and learn is a well-known story, the rest of her life tends to get downplayed. It’s probably because Helen Keller was a Godless, Communist. To be fair, Keller was a child of Marx long before the Soviet Union ruined the good name of the proletariat and A LOT of people during her time held similar views. There was even a popular socialist candidate for president. 

Despite some mainstream acceptance, socialists were generally scorned and Keller was a radical.  A worldwide sensation after graduating from college as the first deaf, blind person to earn a bachelor’s degree, Keller was a highly acclaimed writer and speaker. Later, when her political views became widely known the reactions were not kind. Many commentators simply dismissed her views as “mistakes sprung from the manifest limitations of her development.”

Keller shrugged off criticisms and went on to found help found the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU). She also led the first commission to study the working conditions of blind employees for the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW).

Henry Ford… Was a Nazi Sympathizer

It’s probably libelous or slander to call Henry Ford a Nazi, so I won’t. But the man was pretty damn close. Historians have noted a mutual admiration between Ford and Adolf Hitler. The carmaker was the lone American mentioned by Hitler in his prison manifesto, Mein Kampf.

Still not as anti-Semitic as Walt Disney...

What did Ford do to garner the attention of the most evil man in history? He published a few articles in The Dearborn Independent, an anti-Jewish newspaper based in Michigan and owned by Ford’s personal secretary. Well, Ford didn’t technically write anything for the paper. Instead, he allowed the editors to print articles under his name. Oh yeah, and Hitler also modeled Volkswagon on Ford’s production techniques, which would later be adapted to make planes, boats and tanks.

On the advice of many friends and business contacts, Ford closed the paper in 1927 and even apologized to the Anti-Defamation League (ADL). However, in 1938, the robber baron met with German officials in Cleveland to receive the Grand Cross of the German Eagle, the highest honor the Nazis could give a non-citizen. Certain anti-Semitic materials written by Ford are still available on neo-Nazi sites to this day.

Brigham Young… Organized a Rebellion Against the Federal Government

I’m not here to dump on your religion. (Unless you’re a Scientologist cause, you know, that’s weird….) Also, I think Mormons are pretty cool. That episode of South Park with the Mormon kid was pretty much my experience with the random Mormon families I’ve known over the years. However, Brigham Young kind of scares me…

Young was the leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, more commonly known as Mormonism, following the death of the faith’s founder. Early Mormons were heavily persecuted for their faith and Young responded with fierce resolve, nationality or law be damned.

Clearly doesn't give a fuck...

After settling in Utah around 1850, Young proposed establishing the State of Deseret, an autonomous region for Mormons. The area was successfully, and peacefully, incorporated into the U.S. but the real trouble was just getting started. Young was appointed governor of the area by President Millard Fillmore, giving the 50-year old control of the area’s economic, social and religious affairs.

Later, when the federal government heard rumors regarding interference with officials performing duties, James Buchanan decided to install a non-Mormon governor. Young’s immediate reaction was to organize a resistance that successfully held off federal troops for a month during the Utah War. The conflict almost ended when Young decided to burn Salt Lake City and head to Mexico. Seriously. Cooler heads prevailed and Young stepped down… without facing any consequences for his mini rebellion.

Langston Hughes… Wasn’t Not a Communist

Famed poet and author Langston Hughes spent a good deal of his adult life denying that he was a Communist. But just because you say something, doesn’t make it true.

As a writer, Hughes was not not a liar...

In 1932, Hughes was among a group of African-Americans that traveled to the Soviet Union in order to make a movie about the suffering of minorities in the United States. Hughes was also involved with a variety of Communist student organizations. (But who hasn’t been, right?)

During McCarthy era hysteria, Hughes distanced himself from past actions and even work considered to have Communist sympathies. Issues involving artistic credibility and self-censorship were common themes for Hughes at the end of his life. More politically radical work was omitted by Hughes from the 1959 release of his Selected Poems.

Aaron Burr… Fought the Law and Kind of Won

Vice president. Founding father. Murderer. Revolutionary. Aaron Burr was a lot of things and historians can’t quite decide how to label him. He was a politician, lawyer, soldier, and political philosopher. Unfortunately, history rarely bestows fame upon deserving acts of bravery and intelligence. Instead, Burr is famous for being the highest ranking American politician ever accused of murder.

Kill ONE high ranking politician and they never let you live it down...

In 1804 (following the kind of argument only 18^th century dandies could understand), Burr killed Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton. Surprisingly, killing a cabinet member wasn’t the most treasonous offense Burr ever committed. After Hamilton’s death, Burr completed his term in office then moved to Louisiana, then under the control of Spain.

His plan was to relocate armed farmers with the intent of provoking war with the Spanish government. Burr even secured the help of Andrew Jackson. Eventually, Burr was found out and tried for treason but acquitted on federal charges. Known as a kind and generous person, Burr lived the rest of his life as a lawyer in New York.

4 Amazing Accomplishments... Performed While High or Hammered

Some of history's greatest politicians, athletes and philosophers were notorious users of drug and drink. Nowadays, a prerequisite for admission to the American Academy of Arts and Letters is completion of an authorized 12-step program.

Members receive, per capita, as many Guggenheim Fellowships as Harvard graduates...

However, many of these great individuals are usually able to get their shit together to do the things that made them great. Ernest Hemingway, while an amazing writer, is not included on this list because he was essentially drunk his entire career. This article is limited to single achievements performed by individuals that were under the influence of drugs or alcohol... And I'm not talking about the time you got an "C+" on a Calc test after downing 30 Jägerbombs the night before. Anyone would brag about these achievements, the fact they were performed while completely tossed only makes them more impressive. For example...

Kary Mullis Revolutionizes Biochemistry While Tripping Balls

A lot of famous scientists have used LSD to expand their minds. Perhaps the most famous story involves Francis Crick and the role LSD played in his discovery of the double-helix structure of DNA. That story has been repeated ad infinitum so here's the under reported tale of Kary Mullis...

To be honest, Mullis's accomplishments have been down played in recent years because he's kind of a dick. After winning the Noble Prize for Chemistry in 1993, Mullis started to use his new status to promote controversial ideas, like denying climate change. Mullis has also joined the small group of academics that deny AIDS is cause by HIV. These positions are even more baffling when you consider Mullis has NO expertise in these fields.

Also a believer in properly executed head shot technique...

Before Mullis gained public notoriety as a public douche, he was a brilliant chemist that contributed to the progress of humanity... Just kidding, actually he was a jewelry salesman that took LSD. While riding with his girlfriend, Mullis stumbled onto the idea of replicating a small strand of DNA, also known as polymerase chain reaction technique (PCR). The concept had a world of applications from AIDS testing to cloning. How did Mullis decide to utilize his ground breaking discovery? He started a jewelry company. 

In interviews after winning the Noble, Mullis whined about losing his girlfriend and revealed the role of LSD in his work. In a BBC documentary, Mullis was asked if he would have discovered PCR without the use of psychedelics. "I doubt it. I seriously doubt it," Mullis replied.

Pope Leo XIII Engages in Diplomatic Relations... With a Pocket Full of Cocaine

It's really hard to blame the people of the late 19th century for developing an intense fondness for cocaine. The substance has proven to be tremendously addictive but early users can be forgiven for being unaware of the health and psychological dangers associated with regular use. Major figures at the time were advocates of cocaine and their positions are well documented.

Yes, yes I can write prescriptions...

Another BIG early fan of cocaine was Pope Leo XIII. Before you get the idea of an major Catholic figure snorting lines of blow off a mirror (I know that's what I was thinking), Pope Leo actually drank coca wine. If you some how think that's different than modern use you're right but Leo was a pretty big fan of the stuff. How big?

The religious leaders that endorse my drugs all have dreads...

Yup, that's Pope Leo serving as a pitch man for Vin Mariani, the highest selling coca wine of the era. In fact, Pope Leo even awarded the wine's maker, Angelo Mariani, with a special award for benefiting man kind.

Fueled on Mariani's wine, Pope Leo embarked on lengthy diplomatic voyages. He notoriously carried around a pocket flask full of coca wine and was known to share with various dignitaries. The Pope successfully worked to improve the conditions of Catholics in countries where they received traditionally hostile treatment. Leo's diplomatic efforts successfully quelled anti-Catholic government programs and sentiments in Germany and Russia. It's hard to say whether the wine helped or hindered the Pope's efforts but the guy who comes to the party prepared is usually appreciated.

Martin Sheen Gets Drunk and Attacks Coppola

There's an accomplishment in this story some where, I swear. As many film buffs are aware, the filming of Apocalypse Now was grueling for nearly everyone involved. The filming was delayed for a variety of reasons ranging from weather to stolen payrolls. Also, Martin Sheen suffered a heart attack which required his brother to fill in as a narrator and body double. 

It's definitely arguable whether any of these issues took away from the end product. In fact, certain things might have made the film better, like Martin Sheen's alcohol problem. Quick question: Does Sheen look hammered in the photo below?

He should because he was. That's a still from the opening scene of Apocalypse Now when a drunk Capt. Willard openly struggles with his own demons. During the shoot, Sheen showed up hammered beyond all belief and actually attacked director, Francis Ford Coppola. After quickly thanking Sheen for his commitment (I imagine), Coppola started filming. Many critics point to the scene as a prime example of the film's overall authenticity.

Drunks rarely prove to be this entertaining without hurting themselves... Sure, Sheen did cut his hand randomly shattering mirrors but, you know, it wasn't funny, unlike anything else drunk people do. Sheen later said in an interview with the Actors Studio that he was literally trying to fight his own demons while filming. If CGI had been available, who knows how bad ass that scene could've been... 

Dock Ellis Throws a No No... On Acid

In recent years this story has become pretty widely reported but it's still pretty damn impressive. Dock Ellis was a baseball pitcher for various major league teams during the sixties and seventies. He won a World Series with the Pirates. He threw at Reggie Jackson. He also threw a no hitter... on acid.

Believe it or not, this man did drugs...

In later interview, Ellis would claim to have pitched every game of his major league career under the influence of one drug or another. To be fair, Ellis claims he didn't mean to pitch the game on acid. Ellis says he didn't realize he was supposed to pitch that day and took some LSD for recreation. (Full explanation here.)

The pitcher's description of the game is pretty funny. On more than one occasion, Ellis attempted to avoid hits when there was no ball. Most of Ellis's career was pretty unspectacular and he is quickly becoming more remembered for his drug induced no no than being a world champion pitcher. Further career highlights include a game where Ellis attempted to hit every batter he faced, which included Pete Rose and Johnny Bench.

Simple Inventions You Won't Believe Are Modern Developments

Sure, human history is jam packed with examples of clever and ingenious inventions. From the wheel to the transistor, a million inventions and innovations fueled the progress of society.

If you need further proof of man's ability to improvise... Just look at this. That was artist Jamie O'Shea creating a telegraph using Stone Age technology.

You wouldn't get this far...

While there's little historical evidence for a caveman Samuel Morse, evidence proves primitive man was more technology capable than modern audiences usually think...

Ancient transportation systems were remarkably advanced...

Before we start praising our genius for the iPad and HDTV, it's good to be reminded of everyday items we take for granted. Unfortunately for our collective ego, these inventions are surprising recent.

It might seem like a quibbling criticism of humanity but keep in mind the list of inventions that precede some of these simple, common everyday items: airplanes, automobiles, telephones.

For example...

Drinking Straws Weren't Invented Until 1888


Put your lips on one end and suck, it seems simple enough...

INSERT INNUENDO HERE

However, the simple drinking straw took mankind multiple millennia to figure out. Before then, people used grass stems or nothing at all. The first drinking straw was created in the late 19th century by Marvin C. Stone and was made out of paper.

Today, there are a variety of straws that actually have different functional purposes. For an overview of different kinds of drinking straws (I seriously doubt ANYONE will find it interesting) go here...


The Ballpoint Pen Was Finally Created in 1938

Writing clear, handwritten communications was a problem for much of history. Even with life long practice, letters and documents that used quills or fountain pens were inevitably splotched with ink. Despite this issue, inventors didn't get around to creating a ballpoint pen for mass, commercial use until 1938. A newspaper editor, Lazlo Biro, held the first patent on the modern point pen along with his chemist brother.


The First Door Knob Was Patented in 1878

The door knob is so completely ubiquitous it is almost impossible to think of a world without them. While historians (ie Wikipedia) claim that door knobs were used earlier in the 19th century, the first patent wasn't issued until 1878. Technically, Osbourn Dorsey filed a patent for improvement on an existing door closing device but his application with the U.S. is recognized as the first industrial design of the modern door knob.


Condiment Sachets (AKA Ketchup Packets) Weren't Introduced Until 1990


Reading this list, there's some comfort in hindsight... Well, abandon all hope of that notion. Some of you reading this might have been old enough to create and profit from the condiment sachet, more commonly known as the ketchup packet.

Fast food restaurants did not introduce this industry staple until 1990. Even more embarrassing, the development didn't come from the Mecca of the Quick Burger, the United States. Instead, the condiment sachet was created by the lovable Aussies, which are basically Americans with better/more beach front property.


Lazy Engineers Finally Create The First Prototype Electric Refrigerator


Again, this one might be reaching a little since available technology didn't always allow for invention of the electric refrigerator. However, it is a bit surprising the development didn't happen sooner. The first instance of artificial refrigeration was demonstrated in the middle 18th century by a professor in Scotland. Even the ice maker was created in 1850. The first commercial air conditioner was created in 1902. It wasn't until 1922 that electric refrigerators made their first appearance.